Miles Away – Carol Ann Duffy

I want you and you are not here. I pause
in this garden, breathing the colour thought is
before language into still air. Even your name
is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again
and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight
I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer
than the words I have you say you said before.

Whereever you are now, inside my head you fix me
with a look, standing here whilst cool late light
dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,
but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,
inventing love, until the calls of nightjars
interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,
into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.

There will never be someone like you.

But you aren’t even mine to have in the first place. This shatters me in places I never thought could hurt.

Fearless.

Something is horribly wrong if I feel stifled halfway across the globe. If once a week phone calls are enough to trigger this outpour of angst then I honestly don’t see how this could ever work out. It’s only been a month and it may be extremely premature to say this but I really don’t want to go back. It’s not that I’m in love with the people here or with the country itself. It’s just that anything at all will be better than what I’ve left behind. And I detest it so much that I’d pick the unknown evil out of the two.

But choice is an illusion.

“clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”

I like the anonymity of being in college here. I can be in a place where no one knows my name and I am not held accountable to anyone.

Suffering a terrible case of writer’s block. I need to remember how to write again.

Take a bite of my heart tonight.

Sometimes we meet people that make us feel like everything thing we went through was normal. And that makes us feel okay again.

I’m with you with Rockland.

We should never apologize for the people that we are.

“How can the world end in 2012 when my yoghurt expires in 2013?”

I feel the constant need to be surrounded by people that inspire me or at least provoke me into deep thought. And these days have been exhausting because I get close to none of that. Just a whole load of rehash material masquerading as personal opinions.

So thank you Dr A., for inspiring me today and challenging me to recalibrate my direction in life a little. No surprises that you are leaving your job behind. People like you eventually do. You GMH (:

This is all very ironic.

If only I could be amused. But  I am not.

Jack is a very dull (and unoriginal) boy.

Deleted an entire rant because it was very mean. But now that it’s out of my system I will move on rapidly with life. People who try too hard just sicken me.

A little longer before I find a place that will feel like rala again. (:

Bedlam

If the unexamined life is apparently not worth living, then why is the overexamined life such a drag?

A year wasted is a year I’ll never get back. I am happy with what this has whittled down to. Maybe we don’t need closure. Sometimes all we need is to grow out of our heartache.